Dr. Albert Schwiker and Dr. Cynthia Little released their findings today that eating is dangerous to your health. "We've found that the normal American could very possbily contract some disease whether it be within a 24-hour time period or a 24 year period. We find this very alarming" said Dr. Schiwiker. Their study could mean the end for the industrial food markets of our country and quite possibly the world. "Our first thought was one of disbelief. I mean, how could these companies even think to put the public in harms way?" The scientists found that eating fatty foods (Fast food, chocolate, etc) could lead to heart disease along with other possible life-threatening diseases over extended periods of time. Even certain foods that the entire world finds as a staple, bread has now been found as a lethal killer. It has recently been found in a conjunctive study that bread, french fries, and chips could mean contracting cancer later in life! "Naturally, when we saw this study, we concluded that the sky is falling and someone needs to hear about this!" Dr. C. Little cried. Also found in their extensive studies, was that food can pick up tiny bacteria that could be quite fatal and questions were raised to as whether or not the FDA has plans to combat the "Jack In The Box" incident that happend in Oregon in an event of a nationwide outbreak.

So what can be done to help prevent an untimely death by eating? Well, the doctors had little to add, seeing as we need to eat food and said that they can only hope that death will be quick for all. However, they do not advocate cannibalism, as other humans may be infected with fatal disease. "We can only hope that the government can come up with a dietary supplement that we can all eat and do away with farming and food as we know it," Dr. Schwiker added.

But we as a news agency to advocate such things, so we came up with our own suggestions:

Stop buying your groceries. Start a garden to support your family's food habits. Granted this means taking a risk using lawn & garden equipment, which could possibly be fatal. You could get a limb caught in a motor and sever your arm, thus contracting a gangreen and dying in a most horrible fashion.

Do not leave your house, although, Carbon Monoxide may build up in your house and in the end kill you. Possibly there is asbestos is your house, contracting cancer of another kind.

Well, that kind of leaves no options then, other than foraging for food and living outdoors. However, that may mean a wild creature could eat YOU while you were foraging or you may eat a poisonous berry or mushroom.

So, I guess we really don't have any suggestions other than what the doctors have come up with. We wish you, humanity, a fond fairwell.